outsider

I feel like an outsider. Especially here in New Zealand. It’s weird. I would never really think of myself as an introverted person, but this trip has brought out this aspect of my character. Whitney and Epack seem to just connect with each other on more levels than they do with me. I feel different. Like I’m too intense for them at times—maybe even most of the time. I’m defensive, I have to be right, and don’t like wasting—particularly with regards to food. They tease me a lot, and that’s fine. I don’t take offense to it; I just like to justify my actions or what I say. My being “defensive” isn’t out of anger or anything. Gosh, I hate that word. It carries with it such a negative connotation. And I guess when I have such an immediate response it comes off as me getting riled up easily? I don’t know. It sucks. Whitney’s response is usually always “Calm down,” and that upsets me. I’m not going crazy on her. I’m just trying to explain myself.

While I was on the bus back to Christchurch, I thought about how lonely I feel sometimes. Like I don’t have a true friend group—a true place where I fit in entirely. I don’t have someone who I could/would go to for absolutely EVERYTHING going on in my life. I have acquaintances. I jump around between friend groups. And even in the groups that I’m with the most, there’s always times in which I feel like I’m not always thought about. I’ll get forgotten when things are planned. These instances are often justified by reasons like people thinking I wouldn’t be able to make it anyway or that I wouldn’t want to go. I hate assumptions.

I also don’t know where the line is drawn between having a main friend group and wanting to branch out. I want to have a go-to group—one where I’m always welcome or thought of…always invited to everything. But I want to spread myself out at the same time. I don’t want to be entirely limited to one friend group. I don’t want to ONLY spend my time with that one group. And I feel bad for saying this, but I don’t want to feel obligated to a group? Maybe that’s not the right word for it. But when I have a main group I hang out with and get invited to do things with another group, I feel that if I want to invite someone from the main group, I have to invite everyone else. This isn’t necessarily a bad thing, but if it’s someone’s party or something where the size of the overall group should be considered, I would feel like I’m imposing. I don’t know.

I need to find that happy middle ground. Is it possible? I’m afraid that I’ll always feel this way. I’ve felt this way since high school. Before that I didn’t because I only ever really had one main friend group. Maybe it also has to do with me wanting to experience the excitement of everything. I want to go to everything that I’m invited to, and as a result, I “shaft” the people from other friend groups. I want attention from everyone. It’s horrible.

Is there a way to reconcile this? Do I try to combine/incorporate groups together. I really don’t think that that would work even if it were possible. I’m currently running off of a “whoever-invites-first” mentality. It’s all I see as the “fair” way to go. But wouldn’t me attending events result in more invitations from that group, which would thus mean that I’d be hanging out with this group more, further perpetuating my path of dissociation from other groups. Ugh. I think I’m over-analyzing all of this. Bottom line: I wish I felt like I truly belonged, and I don’t know how to resolve this.